As you read this right now from the fetal position, a pair of headband bunny ears on the ground beside you like a fallen crown, there are probably 5 to 10+ tiny foil balls that were once cream egg wrappers between pink and green eggshells in your trash. The plastic mold that once held a chocolate bunny is resting on the coffee table like a miniature pastel sarcophagus. The once bountiful Easter basket with its carefully adjusted grass has been looted, leaving only the radioactive yellow Peeps behind as witnesses to your gluttony. You ate all the things–even the jellybeans, which are truly only candy in the loosest sense of the word.
Easter is a sacred time for many reasons – many of them spiritual, depending on your beliefs – but above all, Easter is blessed because it’s the last holiday excuse we have to eat chocolate for every meal until fall when Halloween comes around again. It’s all part of the Holiday Overeating Circle of Life. The cycle begins with Halloween and comforts us during each major holiday, including Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day, until Easter comes around and marks the end, the point at which we say goodbye to baked goods and decadent sweets and begin counting down to burgers hot off of the grill and Popsicles fresh out of the freezer.
We all subconsciously know that once the last ear of that chocolate bunny has been swallowed, it’s all over. So we eat all the caramel Cadbury eggs we can get our hands on and try to put off that moment when we must rise from the couch and shake out all the shards of chocolate shrapnel from the folds of our clothes.